Empty

As full as my heart and my life are, our family has recently suffered a loss that has just left me. . . well, empty. Not completely empty, but there's definitely a hole there. As an only child, my cousins are my siblings. We grew up together, graduated together, partied together - I was even the Maid of Honor in one cousin's wedding. The first time I ever got drunk was with a cousin. The first time I ever got drunk enough to puke and pass out was with that same cousin.

My cousin C had a baby last week. Before Baby McK was born, they knew she would have many, many issues, some of which were not survivable. They knew that she had a fractured leg. They knew that she suffered from defects that are unheard of in most parts of the world. They knew she was likely a dwarf. But when Baby McK lived for an hour or so and went home to be with Jesus so quickly after she arrived, it just left me empty.

I think most of the problem is that C, B, and McK are in Alaska. I haven't seen C since before she knew she was pregnant. Traveling to Alaska isn't something one does on a whim. It's something that requires months of planning, preparation, and saving. Something that we're in no position to do right now, regardless of how dire the circumstances. I want more than anything to hug C and let her cry her eyes out. I want to tuck her into bed and tell B to go run until he can't feel his legs - to find some sort of release he can't find while caring for his broken and battered wife. I want to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner; do their laundry; rock T to sleep while C&B go away for an hour or two. I want to help.

Not being able to has not only left me empty, it's left me drained. It took me several days and many sleepless nights to put it all together, but my shortcoming has entered my dreams. The last 10 days or so, I've had wild, bizarre, and troublesome dreams. Today I realized that the theme of all of these dreams is helplessness. Whether I'm watching a bear maul a dog or trying to save the entire planet, I'm completely unable to help. I see the problem. I know the answer. And I can do nothing to change it.

Now that I've finally put my finger on it what's causing the dreams, hopefully they'll phase themselves out of my nighttime routine. Now that I'm able to recognize my guilt, frustration, and sadness about the situation, perhaps it will resolve itself. For now, I'm going to soak in a bubble bath surrounded by candles and classical music. For now, I'm going to think happy thoughts and try to envision paradise in my mind's eye before I drift off to Nod. And if that doesn't work? I guess I'll move on to Tylenol PM and a shot of warm milk. Heaven help me, because Lord knows I can't.

Seasons

I'm one of those people who just loves seasons. I love them all. Fall, Summer, Spring, Winter. There's something about each of those seasons that just makes me inherently happy. I look forward to each of them. After I've had my fill, I'm ready for each of them to leave. There are certain smells I associate with each season. Memories. Foods. Activities. Summer = Coppertone, snowcones, sand, salt, and swimming. Spring = Easter, shaking off chills, St. Patty's Day, Easter candy. . . Oh Easter candy! Winter = That bite of cold air that stings your nose and your toes, hot chocolate, CHRISTMAS! I have to admit, though, I do have a favorite.

Fall is on its way and I am as giddy as can be. Pumpkin lattes, gingerbread, Halloween, Thanksgiving, pumpkin patches, cooler air, lighter steps, my birthday, sweaters, hoodies - I just love Fall. Something about Fall just makes me wiggle a little. I'm sure it started when I was a kid. Of course your favorite time of year centers around your birthday, right? Who doesn't love celebrating their birthday??

As the years have gone by, Fall has come to mean a lot more to me than just getting older. To me, it's a new beginning. As a child, it was the beginning of a new school year. As an adult, it's the beginning of a new year of life - a new year of my life and a new year of my marriage. This October, I'll turn 31 and Doug and I will celebrate our sixth year of marriage. I'll eat lots of wonderful Fall foods (er, make that "Fall treats"), I'll make a Christmas list, and I'll Fall clean (which is really much better than Spring cleaning, mostly because it usually coincides with open windows and a loaf of pumpkin bread in the oven). I'll eat birthday cake, do something sweet for my husband for our anniversary, and I'll take more walks. I'll (of course) whine about my allergies, take more Claritin than is probably necessary, and bemoan the shorter days. But in all, I will look forward to each day (until the day after Thanksgiving - which is when I'll start wishing for Winter) and I will take advantage of all of the above with a better attitude than usual.

So come on, Fall! Come play and help me celebrate life in a pair of blue jeans and a hoodie. I've been looking forward to this.